Customer service is never easy, but sometimes it is downright leotarded. Here's a bunch of quotes and moments gathered from my last three years at a butcher shop.
Customer: “What do you not have today?”
Me: “Um.”
Customer: “What do you not have today that I normally get?”
-
On the phone: “Are you open today?”
Me: “No, we aren’t.”
On a similar note, a guy walks into the store, and asks, “Are you guys open?”
-
Customer: “I want a dozen squid.”
Me: “Ok.”
Customer: “Wait, do they all have suckers on the tentacles?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Customer: “I’ll only take 8 then.”
-
Customer: “How do you make a salad?”
-
Customer: “Maybe this is a stupid question…well, maybe it’s not. So all your stuff is sustainable and doesn’t contribute to any badness in the world?”
-
Customer: “I thought butchers were supposed to know how to cook things!”
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Went in back to get bags to restock (working!), only gone for 5 seconds tops. Come out to a woman yelling, “Customer! Customer!” I say, “Hey, I’m here.” She says, “You were gone.” I say, “Only for a second. How can I help you?” She says, “I’ve been here for at least a few seconds.” Then she says, “So all your meat is blessed, right?” I say, “Um…no, are you looking for a Kosh—“ She cuts me off to say, “I’ve been driving by and it says ‘Holy Meats.’” I laugh out loud and say, “It’s Holly park, like the park up the street.” She leaves.
-
Me: Avedanos
Netpop: Hey, what is the soup today?
Me: Lamb curry stew
Netpop: (pause….eternal)
Me: Okay bye.
Netpop: Wait, can I order some food?
Me: Yes, What would you like?
Netpop: A provolone prosciutto sandwich…and a cup of soup.
Me: Um…we are out of provolone.
Netpop: Is this Melanie?
Me (A man): No (laugh) (are you serious? We’ve been talking for over a minute.)
Netpop: Is Melanie there?
Me: No she will be in at 4.
Netpop: (long pause)…Well the prosciutto provolone is a cold sandwich with prosciutto, provolone, lettuce, tomato and mayo.
Me: We are out of provolone.
Netpop: I’ll just come in for some soup.
Me: Thank you, call again.
-
“You guys got any steak?”
-
“Do you do regular sandwiches?”
-
Customer holding a shephard’s pie in their hands: “Do I need to heat this up? Or is it already heated?”
-
“It’s good to see you change the ice in the case every night!”
-
Customer walks in, looks at me confusedly, and says, “I just bought a tuna sandwich, but it wasn’t here.” and leaves.
-
Customer: “8 dollars for Kika’s treats?! Somebody should tell Kika they’re not worth it…I mean, $1.25 per square? (Long awkward pause)…Well, I really want to try them…So I’ll get it.”
-
“Is the bacon free range?” (oddly, years later, there was a sign in the case that said “pastured bacon”)
-
“Is it pronounced demi-glaze? Or de-may gla-zay?”
-
Customer: What is bol…bolo…
Me: Bolognese? It’s a meat spaghetti sauce.
Customer: Oh, so it’s like a soup!
-
Customer: All this meat’s ok, right?
Me: What do you mean?
Customer: I don’t want any of that USDA stuff.
-
Customer: You guys aren’t running a male prostitution ring out of here, are you?
Me: You wish!
Customer: (mumbling) I don’t wish…you wish…
-
Customer looking into tip jar: Is this for like if I need to take a penny or something?
-
Customer looking at the chutney di pesche: Fish Chutney!!
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Racist Customer 1: Mexican people don’t know what Kobe beef is.
Racist Customer 2: He’s a basketball player!
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“The ricotta sandwich, does that have ricotta cheese in it?”
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Me: It was 130 degrees in the kitchen today!
Customer referring indignantly to our chef: So, you guys treat animals better than your employees! (pause) Well, I guess humans are animals…
-
“Do you guys take cash? Oh, I guess you take cards too.”
-
Customer: Do you have a dinner tonight?
Me: Yes we have meatballs.
Customer: Oh, well I have meatloaf at home.
Me: Well, these are meatballs.
Customer: I don’t eat beef. (Leaves the store)
-
Drunk customer: What is this music?
Me: It’s from North Africa.
Drunk customer: Oh…if people would believe in a creative force instead of God I think this world would be a better place.
-
Another drunk: My hats are off to you, because you guys, you’re like my little brother, and I want to get you fucking wasted.
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Me: You’re looking for pork bones?
Customer: Yeah, but I’ve got these knuckle bones, those are pork, right?
Me: Let me go look in the back for pork bones.
Customer (serious): No, I’m pretty sure these are pork, because cows don’t have knuckles.
Me: (Speechless)
-
Customer: I forgot it was taco Sunday.
Me: Do you want to get some tacos?
Customer: No, I just forgot.
-
Me: Is this your first time in the store?
Customer: No, I was in her once, but I was scared off for a while.
Me: Oh?
Customer: Yah, I was scared off when I read about you in the New York Times.
Me: Why is that?
Customer: (Long pause)…Um…It’s complicated. (Walks out of store)
-
There will be more posted in the future, barring me killing myself after the next stupid question.
To paraphrase an oldie but a goodie: "I have to deal with your stupidity for a few minutes, but you have to deal with it for the rest of your life!"
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
ten things not to do on vacation (all of which i've done on this vacation)
1.get sick
2.stay inside and watch tv
3.eat at mcdonalds
4.pine about going home
5.ignore the homeless
6.stare at the floor
7.incessantly text people you know from home
8.sleep in until noon
9.forget your camera
10.be apathetic and unenthused by sights and culture of your vacation destination
seattle: city of goodwill, more like city of good grief! am i right, folks? hello? is this thing on?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Read Between The Lines
The standard grief for the eternal loss,
The misconception that life is a gamble.
You will die.
Is that all you are afraid of?
Someone said, “There are fates worse than death.”
These fates are the torment of living with death as a shadow.
A. (dmission)
Propagate. Proliferate. Pursue happiness. Evolve. Move ahead. Climb the ladder. Use your time wisely. Co-ordinate. Prioritize. First things first. Be a family man. Time is money. Money is power. Take control of your life. Repeat as desired.
B. (elonging)
Find a mirror. Breathe. Look at yourself. Cry. Pluck your eyebrows. Define eternity. Take a trip in your mind. Comb your hair. Meet God. Use a straight razor. Start a trend, and abandon it before it becomes popular. Start rumors you know are true. Allow yourself to soak it all in.
C. (oherence)
Drink. Cohabitate. Copy. Erase. Acquire materials. Prepare. Don't drink. Build forts. Run in circles. Lick the bowl clean. Resurrect inanimate objects. Take a picture. It’ll last longer. Kill meaning. Pursue death, imprisonment, and depression. Have a cigarette.
D. (eath)
Imagine. Seek professional help. Refuse wisdom. Seek unprofessional help. Use your indoor voice. Use small words. Tolerate arrogance. Make acquaintances. Die alone.
E. (xistence)
Surrender. Take things into account. Manage people. Admonish everyone. Take a closer look. Clean house. Have a yard sale. Give back to God what you cannot give yourself. Eat fruit. Ask for directions. Get lost. Never look back. Look at your watch. Never look forward. Watch out for falling sky.
F. (utility)
Expand. Profit. Proselytize. Build a church with one stone. Congregate alone. Buy now. Save yourself later. Change. Lose everything. Try a new perspective. Lose nothing. Start a war.
G. (uilt)
Become willing. Do not use your will. Ask someone. Don't talk to strangers. Mother knows best. Take back control. Eat an animal. Use a fork. Don't play with your food. Commiserate with the unwanted. Reject everyone.
H. (appiness)
Visualize light. Walk in grace. Jog on asphalt. Sit in quiet. Pretend not to care. Fake it till you make it. Process life. Process emotions. Process calories. Burn fat. Burn bridges. Burn yourself. Call 911. Be precise. Do your best.
The misconception that life is a gamble.
You will die.
Is that all you are afraid of?
Someone said, “There are fates worse than death.”
These fates are the torment of living with death as a shadow.
A. (dmission)
Propagate. Proliferate. Pursue happiness. Evolve. Move ahead. Climb the ladder. Use your time wisely. Co-ordinate. Prioritize. First things first. Be a family man. Time is money. Money is power. Take control of your life. Repeat as desired.
B. (elonging)
Find a mirror. Breathe. Look at yourself. Cry. Pluck your eyebrows. Define eternity. Take a trip in your mind. Comb your hair. Meet God. Use a straight razor. Start a trend, and abandon it before it becomes popular. Start rumors you know are true. Allow yourself to soak it all in.
C. (oherence)
Drink. Cohabitate. Copy. Erase. Acquire materials. Prepare. Don't drink. Build forts. Run in circles. Lick the bowl clean. Resurrect inanimate objects. Take a picture. It’ll last longer. Kill meaning. Pursue death, imprisonment, and depression. Have a cigarette.
D. (eath)
Imagine. Seek professional help. Refuse wisdom. Seek unprofessional help. Use your indoor voice. Use small words. Tolerate arrogance. Make acquaintances. Die alone.
E. (xistence)
Surrender. Take things into account. Manage people. Admonish everyone. Take a closer look. Clean house. Have a yard sale. Give back to God what you cannot give yourself. Eat fruit. Ask for directions. Get lost. Never look back. Look at your watch. Never look forward. Watch out for falling sky.
F. (utility)
Expand. Profit. Proselytize. Build a church with one stone. Congregate alone. Buy now. Save yourself later. Change. Lose everything. Try a new perspective. Lose nothing. Start a war.
G. (uilt)
Become willing. Do not use your will. Ask someone. Don't talk to strangers. Mother knows best. Take back control. Eat an animal. Use a fork. Don't play with your food. Commiserate with the unwanted. Reject everyone.
H. (appiness)
Visualize light. Walk in grace. Jog on asphalt. Sit in quiet. Pretend not to care. Fake it till you make it. Process life. Process emotions. Process calories. Burn fat. Burn bridges. Burn yourself. Call 911. Be precise. Do your best.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Awesome Band Names (that are so awesome nobody would ever use them as band names)
-The Supple Do
-The Somehow Superiors
-Family Breakdown and The Retreat Strategy
-The Fine Swlu
-Mister Refrigerator
-White Chocolate Gelt (to all my Jewish friends, you know this is hilarious)
-Lesbian Touch
-Alcoholics Unanimous
-Rocket Surgery
-The Masked Guinea Pig and His Harem of Floosies
-Your Mom
-Cinnamon Synonym
-Merriam Webster and The Thesaurus
-Hurts Donut
-Jeanbenet Ramsey and The Pedos
-The Butt Plugs
-Psych Out (or Sike!)
- Major Bore and The Sergeants of Somber
-Tom Sellick is Foul
-The Somehow Superiors
-Family Breakdown and The Retreat Strategy
-The Fine Swlu
-Mister Refrigerator
-White Chocolate Gelt (to all my Jewish friends, you know this is hilarious)
-Lesbian Touch
-Alcoholics Unanimous
-Rocket Surgery
-The Masked Guinea Pig and His Harem of Floosies
-Your Mom
-Cinnamon Synonym
-Merriam Webster and The Thesaurus
-Hurts Donut
-Jeanbenet Ramsey and The Pedos
-The Butt Plugs
-Psych Out (or Sike!)
- Major Bore and The Sergeants of Somber
-Tom Sellick is Foul
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Questions I Once Wanted To Ask My Father (followed by the beginning of a song)
How are you doing?
How was jail?
What have you been doing since you got out?
Do you enjoy sitting around all the time?
What do you care about?
Why?
You’ve been a sentient being for 60 years now, what does this amount to?
Who are you?
What do you want to be?
Is this all there is for you?
Where the riverboat leads,
and the powerless give up,
And the refugee knows this is homecoming.
The ones bound to stay, and the people moving away.
Movement is a stones throwing.
Routes that are well traveled,
Grass trampled and earth down,
This is our meeting point.
This is our feeding ground.
How was jail?
What have you been doing since you got out?
Do you enjoy sitting around all the time?
What do you care about?
Why?
You’ve been a sentient being for 60 years now, what does this amount to?
Who are you?
What do you want to be?
Is this all there is for you?
Where the riverboat leads,
and the powerless give up,
And the refugee knows this is homecoming.
The ones bound to stay, and the people moving away.
Movement is a stones throwing.
Routes that are well traveled,
Grass trampled and earth down,
This is our meeting point.
This is our feeding ground.
An Oldie But A Goodie
A Writer's List
1) Pirates and monkeys are the best comedic tools available to a writer.
2) The rules of grammar, correct spelling, and punctuation are our best friends. Let's occasionally abuse them.
3) Every story has a beginning, middle, and end, every character a birth and death.
4) Know your characters almost as well as yourself. In other words, work on yourself.
5) Every character is as real as the author.
6) When in doubt*: laugh.
7) When inspired: create.
8) When your mind draws a blank, don’t try to remember.
9)
10) Subtleties are more interesting than extremes.
11) Words create realities, use responsibly.
12) Return to your two-year-old roots and ask ‘why’ about everything.
13) Buy an audio recorder. They remember what was said better than us.
14) Mommy loves you. If not, somebody does, even if you’re not aware.
!5)16 Don’t ever hate or destroy what you have made.
17) Think twice, but don’t think more than twice.
18) Routinely seek out pirates and monkeys.
19) Eat your greens and fruits (meat is ok too, if you like).
20) See the individual spokes. The faster a wheel goes, the less of the spokes you see, the more a wheel appears empty.
21) Have fun (easier said than done).
22) Sober or high: listening…anytime can be writing time. Don’t deny the opportunities!
23) Dictionaries exist for a reason.
24) If you write about someone, write lovingly, even if you hate them.
25) Writing does not exist on paper alone.
26) Find time to write everyday. Schedules are good, but who has time to make one?
27) Be succinct, and good luck.
28) Really..sincerely, good luck. If you can read and write, you have the power.
29) I lied. Sometimes are not writing times. Use writing times appropriately.
30) Stop ignoring (refer to #22).
31) Stop adhering to rules/Stop making lists/Stop writing.
32) Stop listening to me.
33) Three is the magic number.
33a) Pirate Monkeys.
*: anger, depression, frustration, in acknowledgement of the cosmic giggle.
1) Pirates and monkeys are the best comedic tools available to a writer.
2) The rules of grammar, correct spelling, and punctuation are our best friends. Let's occasionally abuse them.
3) Every story has a beginning, middle, and end, every character a birth and death.
4) Know your characters almost as well as yourself. In other words, work on yourself.
5) Every character is as real as the author.
6) When in doubt*: laugh.
7) When inspired: create.
8) When your mind draws a blank, don’t try to remember.
9)
10) Subtleties are more interesting than extremes.
11) Words create realities, use responsibly.
12) Return to your two-year-old roots and ask ‘why’ about everything.
13) Buy an audio recorder. They remember what was said better than us.
14) Mommy loves you. If not, somebody does, even if you’re not aware.
!5)16 Don’t ever hate or destroy what you have made.
17) Think twice, but don’t think more than twice.
18) Routinely seek out pirates and monkeys.
19) Eat your greens and fruits (meat is ok too, if you like).
20) See the individual spokes. The faster a wheel goes, the less of the spokes you see, the more a wheel appears empty.
21) Have fun (easier said than done).
22) Sober or high: listening…anytime can be writing time. Don’t deny the opportunities!
23) Dictionaries exist for a reason.
24) If you write about someone, write lovingly, even if you hate them.
25) Writing does not exist on paper alone.
26) Find time to write everyday. Schedules are good, but who has time to make one?
27) Be succinct, and good luck.
28) Really..sincerely, good luck. If you can read and write, you have the power.
29) I lied. Sometimes are not writing times. Use writing times appropriately.
30) Stop ignoring (refer to #22).
31) Stop adhering to rules/Stop making lists/Stop writing.
32) Stop listening to me.
33) Three is the magic number.
33a) Pirate Monkeys.
*: anger, depression, frustration, in acknowledgement of the cosmic giggle.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
A List of Heartbreak
Found this list that I made after breaking up with a woman who I loved, and also a woman who I loved to share lists with...
I’m sad, because:
- This is happening, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
- My ego is hurt when I realize that I’m not all the things you want in your life, and that I’m not the person you thought I was, and not the person you are looking for right now, or perhaps ever.
- I worry that as time passes we will talk less, and eventually lose touch with one another, and a thought of you will regress to “I wonder how that person is doing?” and no more than that.
- For the first time in my life I was willing to pursue a relationship, look at myself and make changes in my life for love; be vulnerable, and then am turned away from the first door into that world.
- I know that sooner or later you will meet or recognize someone else who is also smart, funny, handsome, fun, and who appreciates you as much as I do.
- Love, for the time being, has become an annoying housemate.
- Cakes will never taste as good as they used to.
- I’m not as stoked about mixtapes lately.
- The door to my room is empty now. It made me more depressed when it was full of your kind words.
I’m sort-of glad, because:
- Even though I didn’t ever get there, I know I possess the potential to enter into an intimate, honest, and caring relationship, someday.
- As sad as I am that I will not be around to witness it, I know you will continue to be an amazing, creative, lovely, passionate, and dynamic individual.
- Really, though, I’m just sad.
I’m sad, because:
- This is happening, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
- My ego is hurt when I realize that I’m not all the things you want in your life, and that I’m not the person you thought I was, and not the person you are looking for right now, or perhaps ever.
- I worry that as time passes we will talk less, and eventually lose touch with one another, and a thought of you will regress to “I wonder how that person is doing?” and no more than that.
- For the first time in my life I was willing to pursue a relationship, look at myself and make changes in my life for love; be vulnerable, and then am turned away from the first door into that world.
- I know that sooner or later you will meet or recognize someone else who is also smart, funny, handsome, fun, and who appreciates you as much as I do.
- Love, for the time being, has become an annoying housemate.
- Cakes will never taste as good as they used to.
- I’m not as stoked about mixtapes lately.
- The door to my room is empty now. It made me more depressed when it was full of your kind words.
I’m sort-of glad, because:
- Even though I didn’t ever get there, I know I possess the potential to enter into an intimate, honest, and caring relationship, someday.
- As sad as I am that I will not be around to witness it, I know you will continue to be an amazing, creative, lovely, passionate, and dynamic individual.
- Really, though, I’m just sad.
10 Important People Who Died Before Their Time (#1 in a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 part series)
[Disclaimer: I truly value the contributions of all the people mentioned hereof, so I sincerely regret all the incredibly dishonoring things I’m about to say…sort of.]
1. Jesus – Damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. In the words of Dangerfield, “No respect.”
2. Joan Of Arc – This crazy betch talked to God, and was burned at the stake, commemorating the first time anyone uttered the lovely phrase, “Burn Baby Burn!” Or in French, “Brûlure de bébé de brûlure!”
3. Gram Parsons – This man did so many drugs he put Keith Richards to shame (he lived with Richards before he died, so…thanks Keith!). He OD’d on an amount of morphine that would have killed three normal users…I suppose with a legacy like that he didn’t really go before his time.
4. Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez – I used to sing TLC songs and draw pictures of comic book characters when I was 12. If that doesn’t make her important, I don’t know what does.
5. Martin Luther King Jr. – It’s a travesty that MLK was shot, and that we still have yet to realize a world of his dreams. I wonder what might have been had he lived to a natural death, the profound impact on society to be witnessed. At least school children get one day off a year to remember his legacy and bug their parents about why they can’t watch another six hours of Spongebob Squarepants.
6. Marilyn Monroe – If only she could have lived to tell the story of how corrupt and insane all those Kennedy boys were/are. A few more nude pictures wouldn’t have disgraced my eyes either.
7. ALF – Who didn’t love ALF? You? You suck.
8. Harvey Milk – This man has been sufficiently honored in the real world and in cinema. I worked with the son of the guy who shot him, and I can’t say anything good happened for that family. I also can’t say that Harvey Milk’s campaign to clean up dog shit from San Francisco streets ever went anywhere either. Every time I step in canine poo, I am reminded of a great man.
9. Billie Holiday – One of the best vocalists of all time, she died the day before she was to be charged with possession of legal narcotics. She only had .70 cents in her bank account. There is nothing funny about any of this, or at least I will refrain from making light of the situation...R.I.P.
10. The kid from Malcolm in The Middle – Wait, all three of those guys are still alive? What about the older brother? Him too? Would all of you hurry up and die? You’re ruining my list.
1. Jesus – Damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. In the words of Dangerfield, “No respect.”
2. Joan Of Arc – This crazy betch talked to God, and was burned at the stake, commemorating the first time anyone uttered the lovely phrase, “Burn Baby Burn!” Or in French, “Brûlure de bébé de brûlure!”
3. Gram Parsons – This man did so many drugs he put Keith Richards to shame (he lived with Richards before he died, so…thanks Keith!). He OD’d on an amount of morphine that would have killed three normal users…I suppose with a legacy like that he didn’t really go before his time.
4. Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez – I used to sing TLC songs and draw pictures of comic book characters when I was 12. If that doesn’t make her important, I don’t know what does.
5. Martin Luther King Jr. – It’s a travesty that MLK was shot, and that we still have yet to realize a world of his dreams. I wonder what might have been had he lived to a natural death, the profound impact on society to be witnessed. At least school children get one day off a year to remember his legacy and bug their parents about why they can’t watch another six hours of Spongebob Squarepants.
6. Marilyn Monroe – If only she could have lived to tell the story of how corrupt and insane all those Kennedy boys were/are. A few more nude pictures wouldn’t have disgraced my eyes either.
7. ALF – Who didn’t love ALF? You? You suck.
8. Harvey Milk – This man has been sufficiently honored in the real world and in cinema. I worked with the son of the guy who shot him, and I can’t say anything good happened for that family. I also can’t say that Harvey Milk’s campaign to clean up dog shit from San Francisco streets ever went anywhere either. Every time I step in canine poo, I am reminded of a great man.
9. Billie Holiday – One of the best vocalists of all time, she died the day before she was to be charged with possession of legal narcotics. She only had .70 cents in her bank account. There is nothing funny about any of this, or at least I will refrain from making light of the situation...R.I.P.
10. The kid from Malcolm in The Middle – Wait, all three of those guys are still alive? What about the older brother? Him too? Would all of you hurry up and die? You’re ruining my list.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Spare a smoke?
5 best times to smoke a cigarette
-after waking.
-after eating.
-after every wonderful thing life has to offer (i.e. drugs, sex, etc.)
-before, during, or after: work/exams/presentations/job interviews/cake eating competitions/knife fights/leisurely walk/night prowl/anything requiring physical stamina
-before you die.
5 worst times to smoke a cigarette
-when you’re sick.
-when it’s cold outside, and you have to smoke outside.
-when someone left the gas on.
-when you think it will calm you down. (hello, stimulant!)
-anytime, always, forever.
Always good, always bad. Cigarettes, I fucking hate you. May I have another, sir?
-after waking.
-after eating.
-after every wonderful thing life has to offer (i.e. drugs, sex, etc.)
-before, during, or after: work/exams/presentations/job interviews/cake eating competitions/knife fights/leisurely walk/night prowl/anything requiring physical stamina
-before you die.
5 worst times to smoke a cigarette
-when you’re sick.
-when it’s cold outside, and you have to smoke outside.
-when someone left the gas on.
-when you think it will calm you down. (hello, stimulant!)
-anytime, always, forever.
Always good, always bad. Cigarettes, I fucking hate you. May I have another, sir?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Great Sopranos Quotes
Compiled from when I started to think they should be compiled to when I got bored with it. In all honesty, every Sopranos quote is a good fucking quote. Minchia!
1x11
FBI Agent: “If I wanted to bust up card games I’d have a donut in my mouth.”
1x12
Carmella: “In Alaska they wear these little light hats in the winter so they don’t get depressed.”
1x13
Tony: “Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this!”
Tony’s boy: “Fuckin poison ivy all over…I can feel it itchin’ me already!”
Tony’s boy 2: “I usually do sit with my ass, why don’t you try sitting with yours?”
2x3
Tony: “I’m the motherfucking fucking one who calls the shots.”
2x5
Tony: “You got a problem besides those fucking pants!?”
2x7:
Livia: “Why does everything have to have a purpose? The world is a jungle! And if you want my advice…don’t expect happiness. You won’t get it, people let you down, and I’m not naming any names, but in the end you die in your own arms…it’s all a big nothing, what makes you think you’re so special?”
Tony: ”When you’re married you’ll understand the importance of fresh produce.”
2x8
Sean: “You leave me hanging in the mother fucking cock sucking wind.”
2x10
Pussy’s cop: “No joke Sal, you don’t want to see my dawker side.”
2x11
Tony: “What’s the point? You go to Italy, you lift some weights, you watch a movie. It’s all a series of distractions until you die.”
Junior: “What the hell would we have in common? Bunyon. You know how I feel about feet.”
Tony: “Don’t give me your fucking Manson lamps.”
2x12
Junior: “That’s nice, then he dies. I couldn’t even wear his fucking shoes.”
2x13
Carmela: “Our daughter is graduating high school. You can’t wait to persecute him? To persecute us?”
3x4
Fuccilio: “We don’t have-a those pope joke, they don’t translate.”
Jennifer: “Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to break the social compact.”
3x8
Carmela’s Psychiatrist: “Many patients want to be excused from their current predicament because of events that occurred in their childhood. That’s what psychiatry has become in America.”
3x9
Cop: “This pie fit a pattern?”
Pauly: “Snakes were fucking themselves way before Adam and Eve.”
3x10
Pauly: “The boss of this family said you’re gonna be Santa Claus, you’re Santa Claus, so shut the fuck up!”
Pauly: “In the end, fuck Santa Claus.”
3x12
Jennifer: “Why would anybody hit you, of all people, with a side of beef?”
Douchebag car salesman: “you see Tuesday I can take my kid to Raffi.”
Jackie jr.s friend: “Who the fuck was felix lamonte? Or fix lamonte?”
Carmella: “She’s a role model for all of us.” (Speaking of Hillary Clinton)
Patsy: “It won’t be cinematic.”
3x13
Omar: “Welcome to Hotel Boonton.” (Just because it’s fucking Omar.)
Junior: “Fuckin Illness changed my whole viewpoint. I’m gonna stop and smell the roses.” Tony: “We all should. I mean, what the fuck?”
And speaking of what the fuck, the ending of season 3, when Junior is singing and everything’s emotional and conclusive, then there is the weird lip sync “remember all the people who sang this song” montage. Terrible.
To be continued…
4x1
Tony: “Sil, break it down for them. What two businesses have traditionally been recession proof since time and memorial?”
Silvio: “Certain aspects of show business, and our thing.”
4x3
Bobby: “I wouldn’t mind sitting on my ass all day smoking mushrooms and collecting government checks.”
Tony: “You gotta walk in Christopher Columbus’ shoes, people the world was flat for crying out loud. Then he lands on an island with a bunch of naked savages on it. I mean, that takes a lot of guts. You remember when we went to Florida? The heat, and those bugs?”
Rosalie: “It’s not stuff, it’s death, it’s pain!”
4x4
J’s psychiatrist: “Turns out this guy was probably another parent, or more likely a repairmen, but if he had dragged me out of my car, and beaten me up, would I be saying ‘Gee, I shouldn’t have tried to park my car?’ Anyway, enough about him, let’s get back to you.”
4x8
Pauly: “I don’t understand, when I was a kid, you two were old ladies. Now I’m old, and you two are still old.”
4x9
Bobby: “First question, what’s today’s date?”
Junior: “A blonde with big tits and a hatful of Viagra.”
4x10:
Tony: “Can’t I just be sad for a horse, without some touchy feely Freudian shit component to it?”
4x13
Carmela: “More is lost by indecision than wrong decision.”
Carmela: “I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me.”
5x3
Bobby: “And you, lay off the Snapple.”
5x9
Tony: “Sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.”
Jennifer: “Yes, okay. Although I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.”
Tony: “Trust me, it’s like taking a shit.”
6x2
“AJ wanted to come but he got a really stomach flu from a burrito. Lawfirms being so understanding about me taking time off to be here.”
Rosie: “that’s a fascinating psychological nugget…”
6x7
artie: “we lead the world in computerized data collection.”
6x10
Silvio: “To what end?”
Tony: “You know who’s really good to talk to about stuff? Your mother.”
6x11
Silvio: “Make sure you clean all that shit off her tit!”
Phil Leotardo’s Wife (God Bless Her): “There’s nothing gay about Hell.”
Phil: “He was a good man, I loved him like a brother-in-law.”
6x13
Bobby: “You know the Parker Brothers took time to think this all out, I think we should respect that.”
“Fuck the Parker Brothers, just play the game.”
Carmella: “Tony is not a vindictive man.”
6x14
Silvio: “Just say it then! Walt fucking Whitman over here.”
6x17
Tony: “Everything turns to shit.”
Tony: “It’s in his blood, this miserable fucking existence. My rotten fucking putrid genes have infected my kid’s soul. That’s what I’ve given to my son.”
Jennifer: “I know this is difficult, but I’m very glad we had this discussion.”
Tony: “Really? Really? Because I gotta be honest, I think it fucking sucks.”
Jennifer: “What does?”
Tony: “Therapy. This. I hate this fucking shit! Seriously we’re both adults here right? So, after all is said and done, after all the complaining and the crying and all the fucking bullshit, is this all there is?”
And some beautiful Soprano clips:
1x11
FBI Agent: “If I wanted to bust up card games I’d have a donut in my mouth.”
1x12
Carmella: “In Alaska they wear these little light hats in the winter so they don’t get depressed.”
1x13
Tony: “Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this!”
Tony’s boy: “Fuckin poison ivy all over…I can feel it itchin’ me already!”
Tony’s boy 2: “I usually do sit with my ass, why don’t you try sitting with yours?”
2x3
Tony: “I’m the motherfucking fucking one who calls the shots.”
2x5
Tony: “You got a problem besides those fucking pants!?”
2x7:
Livia: “Why does everything have to have a purpose? The world is a jungle! And if you want my advice…don’t expect happiness. You won’t get it, people let you down, and I’m not naming any names, but in the end you die in your own arms…it’s all a big nothing, what makes you think you’re so special?”
Tony: ”When you’re married you’ll understand the importance of fresh produce.”
2x8
Sean: “You leave me hanging in the mother fucking cock sucking wind.”
2x10
Pussy’s cop: “No joke Sal, you don’t want to see my dawker side.”
2x11
Tony: “What’s the point? You go to Italy, you lift some weights, you watch a movie. It’s all a series of distractions until you die.”
Junior: “What the hell would we have in common? Bunyon. You know how I feel about feet.”
Tony: “Don’t give me your fucking Manson lamps.”
2x12
Junior: “That’s nice, then he dies. I couldn’t even wear his fucking shoes.”
2x13
Carmela: “Our daughter is graduating high school. You can’t wait to persecute him? To persecute us?”
3x4
Fuccilio: “We don’t have-a those pope joke, they don’t translate.”
Jennifer: “Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to break the social compact.”
3x8
Carmela’s Psychiatrist: “Many patients want to be excused from their current predicament because of events that occurred in their childhood. That’s what psychiatry has become in America.”
3x9
Cop: “This pie fit a pattern?”
Pauly: “Snakes were fucking themselves way before Adam and Eve.”
3x10
Pauly: “The boss of this family said you’re gonna be Santa Claus, you’re Santa Claus, so shut the fuck up!”
Pauly: “In the end, fuck Santa Claus.”
3x12
Jennifer: “Why would anybody hit you, of all people, with a side of beef?”
Douchebag car salesman: “you see Tuesday I can take my kid to Raffi.”
Jackie jr.s friend: “Who the fuck was felix lamonte? Or fix lamonte?”
Carmella: “She’s a role model for all of us.” (Speaking of Hillary Clinton)
Patsy: “It won’t be cinematic.”
3x13
Omar: “Welcome to Hotel Boonton.” (Just because it’s fucking Omar.)
Junior: “Fuckin Illness changed my whole viewpoint. I’m gonna stop and smell the roses.” Tony: “We all should. I mean, what the fuck?”
And speaking of what the fuck, the ending of season 3, when Junior is singing and everything’s emotional and conclusive, then there is the weird lip sync “remember all the people who sang this song” montage. Terrible.
To be continued…
4x1
Tony: “Sil, break it down for them. What two businesses have traditionally been recession proof since time and memorial?”
Silvio: “Certain aspects of show business, and our thing.”
4x3
Bobby: “I wouldn’t mind sitting on my ass all day smoking mushrooms and collecting government checks.”
Tony: “You gotta walk in Christopher Columbus’ shoes, people the world was flat for crying out loud. Then he lands on an island with a bunch of naked savages on it. I mean, that takes a lot of guts. You remember when we went to Florida? The heat, and those bugs?”
Rosalie: “It’s not stuff, it’s death, it’s pain!”
4x4
J’s psychiatrist: “Turns out this guy was probably another parent, or more likely a repairmen, but if he had dragged me out of my car, and beaten me up, would I be saying ‘Gee, I shouldn’t have tried to park my car?’ Anyway, enough about him, let’s get back to you.”
4x8
Pauly: “I don’t understand, when I was a kid, you two were old ladies. Now I’m old, and you two are still old.”
4x9
Bobby: “First question, what’s today’s date?”
Junior: “A blonde with big tits and a hatful of Viagra.”
4x10:
Tony: “Can’t I just be sad for a horse, without some touchy feely Freudian shit component to it?”
4x13
Carmela: “More is lost by indecision than wrong decision.”
Carmela: “I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me.”
5x3
Bobby: “And you, lay off the Snapple.”
5x9
Tony: “Sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.”
Jennifer: “Yes, okay. Although I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.”
Tony: “Trust me, it’s like taking a shit.”
6x2
“AJ wanted to come but he got a really stomach flu from a burrito. Lawfirms being so understanding about me taking time off to be here.”
Rosie: “that’s a fascinating psychological nugget…”
6x7
artie: “we lead the world in computerized data collection.”
6x10
Silvio: “To what end?”
Tony: “You know who’s really good to talk to about stuff? Your mother.”
6x11
Silvio: “Make sure you clean all that shit off her tit!”
Phil Leotardo’s Wife (God Bless Her): “There’s nothing gay about Hell.”
Phil: “He was a good man, I loved him like a brother-in-law.”
6x13
Bobby: “You know the Parker Brothers took time to think this all out, I think we should respect that.”
“Fuck the Parker Brothers, just play the game.”
Carmella: “Tony is not a vindictive man.”
6x14
Silvio: “Just say it then! Walt fucking Whitman over here.”
6x17
Tony: “Everything turns to shit.”
Tony: “It’s in his blood, this miserable fucking existence. My rotten fucking putrid genes have infected my kid’s soul. That’s what I’ve given to my son.”
Jennifer: “I know this is difficult, but I’m very glad we had this discussion.”
Tony: “Really? Really? Because I gotta be honest, I think it fucking sucks.”
Jennifer: “What does?”
Tony: “Therapy. This. I hate this fucking shit! Seriously we’re both adults here right? So, after all is said and done, after all the complaining and the crying and all the fucking bullshit, is this all there is?”
And some beautiful Soprano clips:
the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
A List of Excuses Why I Haven’t Been Posting Lists For Over A Year
- I was busy eating popcorn.
- I was busy making popcorn.
- I didn’t remember my password. Turns out it was password.
- I had too much alcohol/caffeine/nicotine/THC/ women/lack of attention in my head.
- I got an Iphone, it has a list app, so I figured why bother.
- I couldn’t think of anything that needed listing.
- I used all my lists to plug the Exxon oil leak.
- I had a nervous breakdown, and I had to go to list rehab.
- I spent all my lists and went into list debt, then had to foreclose on my main list.
- I became friends with a listmaker, then they slept with my mom, and I swore off lists forever.
- God told me to stop, or else. Or else what? Suppose I’ll find out.
- A list tried to kill my brother.
- I became a freedom fighter in South America, and the dictator of the Coup D’etat forbid lists.
- My dog ate my lists.
- The C.I.A. was following my lists.
- Lists and I broke up.
- Sarah Palin shot my lists, mistaking them for a bear.
- Justin Bieber said he’d be my friend if I stopped generating lists.
- My family conducted a listervention.
- If I started again, this boring ass list would have to be posted.
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