10 Important People Who Died Before Their Time (#1 in a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 part series)

[Disclaimer: I truly value the contributions of all the people mentioned hereof, so I sincerely regret all the incredibly dishonoring things I’m about to say…sort of.]

1. Jesus – Damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. In the words of Dangerfield, “No respect.”
2. Joan Of Arc – This crazy betch talked to God, and was burned at the stake, commemorating the first time anyone uttered the lovely phrase, “Burn Baby Burn!” Or in French, “Brûlure de bébé de brûlure!”
3. Gram Parsons – This man did so many drugs he put Keith Richards to shame (he lived with Richards before he died, so…thanks Keith!). He OD’d on an amount of morphine that would have killed three normal users…I suppose with a legacy like that he didn’t really go before his time.
4. Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez – I used to sing TLC songs and draw pictures of comic book characters when I was 12. If that doesn’t make her important, I don’t know what does.
5. Martin Luther King Jr. – It’s a travesty that MLK was shot, and that we still have yet to realize a world of his dreams. I wonder what might have been had he lived to a natural death, the profound impact on society to be witnessed. At least school children get one day off a year to remember his legacy and bug their parents about why they can’t watch another six hours of Spongebob Squarepants.
6. Marilyn Monroe – If only she could have lived to tell the story of how corrupt and insane all those Kennedy boys were/are. A few more nude pictures wouldn’t have disgraced my eyes either.
7. ALF – Who didn’t love ALF? You? You suck.
8. Harvey Milk – This man has been sufficiently honored in the real world and in cinema. I worked with the son of the guy who shot him, and I can’t say anything good happened for that family. I also can’t say that Harvey Milk’s campaign to clean up dog shit from San Francisco streets ever went anywhere either. Every time I step in canine poo, I am reminded of a great man.
9. Billie Holiday – One of the best vocalists of all time, she died the day before she was to be charged with possession of legal narcotics. She only had .70 cents in her bank account. There is nothing funny about any of this, or at least I will refrain from making light of the situation...R.I.P.
10. The kid from Malcolm in The Middle – Wait, all three of those guys are still alive? What about the older brother? Him too? Would all of you hurry up and die? You’re ruining my list.