Customer service is never easy, but sometimes it is downright leotarded. Here's a bunch of quotes and moments gathered from my last three years at a butcher shop.
Customer: “What do you not have today?”
Me: “Um.”
Customer: “What do you not have today that I normally get?”
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On the phone: “Are you open today?”
Me: “No, we aren’t.”
On a similar note, a guy walks into the store, and asks, “Are you guys open?”
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Customer: “I want a dozen squid.”
Me: “Ok.”
Customer: “Wait, do they all have suckers on the tentacles?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Customer: “I’ll only take 8 then.”
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Customer: “How do you make a salad?”
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Customer: “Maybe this is a stupid question…well, maybe it’s not. So all your stuff is sustainable and doesn’t contribute to any badness in the world?”
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Customer: “I thought butchers were supposed to know how to cook things!”
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Went in back to get bags to restock (working!), only gone for 5 seconds tops. Come out to a woman yelling, “Customer! Customer!” I say, “Hey, I’m here.” She says, “You were gone.” I say, “Only for a second. How can I help you?” She says, “I’ve been here for at least a few seconds.” Then she says, “So all your meat is blessed, right?” I say, “Um…no, are you looking for a Kosh—“ She cuts me off to say, “I’ve been driving by and it says ‘Holy Meats.’” I laugh out loud and say, “It’s Holly park, like the park up the street.” She leaves.
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Me: Avedanos
Netpop: Hey, what is the soup today?
Me: Lamb curry stew
Netpop: (pause….eternal)
Me: Okay bye.
Netpop: Wait, can I order some food?
Me: Yes, What would you like?
Netpop: A provolone prosciutto sandwich…and a cup of soup.
Me: Um…we are out of provolone.
Netpop: Is this Melanie?
Me (A man): No (laugh) (are you serious? We’ve been talking for over a minute.)
Netpop: Is Melanie there?
Me: No she will be in at 4.
Netpop: (long pause)…Well the prosciutto provolone is a cold sandwich with prosciutto, provolone, lettuce, tomato and mayo.
Me: We are out of provolone.
Netpop: I’ll just come in for some soup.
Me: Thank you, call again.
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“You guys got any steak?”
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“Do you do regular sandwiches?”
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Customer holding a shephard’s pie in their hands: “Do I need to heat this up? Or is it already heated?”
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“It’s good to see you change the ice in the case every night!”
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Customer walks in, looks at me confusedly, and says, “I just bought a tuna sandwich, but it wasn’t here.” and leaves.
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Customer: “8 dollars for Kika’s treats?! Somebody should tell Kika they’re not worth it…I mean, $1.25 per square? (Long awkward pause)…Well, I really want to try them…So I’ll get it.”
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“Is the bacon free range?” (oddly, years later, there was a sign in the case that said “pastured bacon”)
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“Is it pronounced demi-glaze? Or de-may gla-zay?”
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Customer: What is bol…bolo…
Me: Bolognese? It’s a meat spaghetti sauce.
Customer: Oh, so it’s like a soup!
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Customer: All this meat’s ok, right?
Me: What do you mean?
Customer: I don’t want any of that USDA stuff.
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Customer: You guys aren’t running a male prostitution ring out of here, are you?
Me: You wish!
Customer: (mumbling) I don’t wish…you wish…
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Customer looking into tip jar: Is this for like if I need to take a penny or something?
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Customer looking at the chutney di pesche: Fish Chutney!!
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Racist Customer 1: Mexican people don’t know what Kobe beef is.
Racist Customer 2: He’s a basketball player!
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“The ricotta sandwich, does that have ricotta cheese in it?”
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Me: It was 130 degrees in the kitchen today!
Customer referring indignantly to our chef: So, you guys treat animals better than your employees! (pause) Well, I guess humans are animals…
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“Do you guys take cash? Oh, I guess you take cards too.”
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Customer: Do you have a dinner tonight?
Me: Yes we have meatballs.
Customer: Oh, well I have meatloaf at home.
Me: Well, these are meatballs.
Customer: I don’t eat beef. (Leaves the store)
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Drunk customer: What is this music?
Me: It’s from North Africa.
Drunk customer: Oh…if people would believe in a creative force instead of God I think this world would be a better place.
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Another drunk: My hats are off to you, because you guys, you’re like my little brother, and I want to get you fucking wasted.
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Me: You’re looking for pork bones?
Customer: Yeah, but I’ve got these knuckle bones, those are pork, right?
Me: Let me go look in the back for pork bones.
Customer (serious): No, I’m pretty sure these are pork, because cows don’t have knuckles.
Me: (Speechless)
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Customer: I forgot it was taco Sunday.
Me: Do you want to get some tacos?
Customer: No, I just forgot.
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Me: Is this your first time in the store?
Customer: No, I was in her once, but I was scared off for a while.
Me: Oh?
Customer: Yah, I was scared off when I read about you in the New York Times.
Me: Why is that?
Customer: (Long pause)…Um…It’s complicated. (Walks out of store)
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There will be more posted in the future, barring me killing myself after the next stupid question.
To paraphrase an oldie but a goodie: "I have to deal with your stupidity for a few minutes, but you have to deal with it for the rest of your life!"
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