GOD's Frequently Answered Questions

I know it’s obvious, but what’s it all mean? Meaning is subjective. But as you say, it’s obvious.

Are only some of us going to Heaven? Only the ones who are nice to me; I’m insecure.

Is there a heaven? Maybe. If I said there was, and that you could go, would you like me?

Can I wear whatever I want there? It’d be sexier not to wear anything.

Why is life so hard? Because you are taking yourself too seriously.

Is dying painful? Life is painful enough. Dying is like watching the end of Lord of the Rings. It feels like it will go on forever, but its not that bad.

Is there anything I can take for the pain? Take a number!

Do you like mean people? I love everyone… sort of. Imagine your uncle, drunk, at a pool party, and you fall in the pool. I love yah, but I’m not getting my Hawaiian print shirt wet.

Do you have cornrows? I’m not black. My son is though!

Do you like that band Godsmack? Ok, I don’t love everyone.

Will they go to Heaven? They smacked me, what do you think? Sorry, answering questions with questions isn’t my thing. That’s Buddhists. No, fuck Godsmack. And not in the good way.

If I kill myself, will you be mad? Only because you killed yourself! Why’d you do that??

Do I have to worry about your feelings too? No, I’ll just go cry in the corner.

Is there pot or beer in Heaven? *puffpuff* *gluglug* What?

Did you grow pot for a reason? Hell yah! That shit gets me fuuucked up.

Is it okay to be stoned when I die? I was.

Can you die from getting too stoned? No. I wouldn’t have made pot otherwise: any drug you can die from was made by your hands…Maybe you could laugh yourself to death? Have you ever seen that Monty Python sketch? Those guys are totally getting into Heaven.

Have you smoked pot? SOOOO MUCH. How do you think the Platypus came into existence?

Do strippers go to Heaven? Were they happy strippers? If so, yes. There’s nothing worse than crying strippers. Maybe strippers with diarrhea.

Are you happy with how mankind turned out? I’d be a lot happier if people would stop confusing me for someone else and not believing that it could also be me. I’m not a one trick pony! I am a dynamic multi-faceted creator. Like Salvador Dali, but everywhere. Oh, great, now people will probably start a Dali religion…Religion sucks.

Am I still worrying about your feelings? You’re a sick puppy, but I love you.

Will that ever stop? That’s the way I designed it, hence: no.

Is there room for everyone in Heaven? I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the floor. I have some blankets and a pillow though!

Is it really packed like China? Not as packed as you’d hope.

Does it smell? Smells like teen spirit. Or is it Holy Spirit?

Is the water okay to drink? If I say no, does that give up too much about the location?

Do we have to feed ourselves? Dude, gluttony?

Do angels help out? Angels are like Mexicans in California, they pretty much do everything, and their pay is terrible. And if they don’t like the way I run things, they can go to Hell.

Is there anything you can tell me about Hell? I went once. Wasn’t a big fan.

Were you friends with Lucifer? We had similar interests, but eventually the spark of the relationship diminished.

Will you ever forgive him? Only if he returns my Cranberry’s CD.

Does your grace end with him? I like to think I’m not a jaded lover. I’m still playing the field, I guess.

Do you want to be close with him? No comment.