Customer service is never easy, but sometimes it is downright leotarded. Here's a bunch of quotes and moments gathered from my last three years at a butcher shop.
Customer: “What do you not have today?”
Me: “Um.”
Customer: “What do you not have today that I normally get?”
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On the phone: “Are you open today?”
Me: “No, we aren’t.”
On a similar note, a guy walks into the store, and asks, “Are you guys open?”
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Customer: “I want a dozen squid.”
Me: “Ok.”
Customer: “Wait, do they all have suckers on the tentacles?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Customer: “I’ll only take 8 then.”
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Customer: “How do you make a salad?”
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Customer: “Maybe this is a stupid question…well, maybe it’s not. So all your stuff is sustainable and doesn’t contribute to any badness in the world?”
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Customer: “I thought butchers were supposed to know how to cook things!”
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Went in back to get bags to restock (working!), only gone for 5 seconds tops. Come out to a woman yelling, “Customer! Customer!” I say, “Hey, I’m here.” She says, “You were gone.” I say, “Only for a second. How can I help you?” She says, “I’ve been here for at least a few seconds.” Then she says, “So all your meat is blessed, right?” I say, “Um…no, are you looking for a Kosh—“ She cuts me off to say, “I’ve been driving by and it says ‘Holy Meats.’” I laugh out loud and say, “It’s Holly park, like the park up the street.” She leaves.
-
Me: Avedanos
Netpop: Hey, what is the soup today?
Me: Lamb curry stew
Netpop: (pause….eternal)
Me: Okay bye.
Netpop: Wait, can I order some food?
Me: Yes, What would you like?
Netpop: A provolone prosciutto sandwich…and a cup of soup.
Me: Um…we are out of provolone.
Netpop: Is this Melanie?
Me (A man): No (laugh) (are you serious? We’ve been talking for over a minute.)
Netpop: Is Melanie there?
Me: No she will be in at 4.
Netpop: (long pause)…Well the prosciutto provolone is a cold sandwich with prosciutto, provolone, lettuce, tomato and mayo.
Me: We are out of provolone.
Netpop: I’ll just come in for some soup.
Me: Thank you, call again.
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“You guys got any steak?”
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“Do you do regular sandwiches?”
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Customer holding a shephard’s pie in their hands: “Do I need to heat this up? Or is it already heated?”
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“It’s good to see you change the ice in the case every night!”
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Customer walks in, looks at me confusedly, and says, “I just bought a tuna sandwich, but it wasn’t here.” and leaves.
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Customer: “8 dollars for Kika’s treats?! Somebody should tell Kika they’re not worth it…I mean, $1.25 per square? (Long awkward pause)…Well, I really want to try them…So I’ll get it.”
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“Is the bacon free range?” (oddly, years later, there was a sign in the case that said “pastured bacon”)
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“Is it pronounced demi-glaze? Or de-may gla-zay?”
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Customer: What is bol…bolo…
Me: Bolognese? It’s a meat spaghetti sauce.
Customer: Oh, so it’s like a soup!
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Customer: All this meat’s ok, right?
Me: What do you mean?
Customer: I don’t want any of that USDA stuff.
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Customer: You guys aren’t running a male prostitution ring out of here, are you?
Me: You wish!
Customer: (mumbling) I don’t wish…you wish…
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Customer looking into tip jar: Is this for like if I need to take a penny or something?
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Customer looking at the chutney di pesche: Fish Chutney!!
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Racist Customer 1: Mexican people don’t know what Kobe beef is.
Racist Customer 2: He’s a basketball player!
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“The ricotta sandwich, does that have ricotta cheese in it?”
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Me: It was 130 degrees in the kitchen today!
Customer referring indignantly to our chef: So, you guys treat animals better than your employees! (pause) Well, I guess humans are animals…
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“Do you guys take cash? Oh, I guess you take cards too.”
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Customer: Do you have a dinner tonight?
Me: Yes we have meatballs.
Customer: Oh, well I have meatloaf at home.
Me: Well, these are meatballs.
Customer: I don’t eat beef. (Leaves the store)
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Drunk customer: What is this music?
Me: It’s from North Africa.
Drunk customer: Oh…if people would believe in a creative force instead of God I think this world would be a better place.
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Another drunk: My hats are off to you, because you guys, you’re like my little brother, and I want to get you fucking wasted.
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Me: You’re looking for pork bones?
Customer: Yeah, but I’ve got these knuckle bones, those are pork, right?
Me: Let me go look in the back for pork bones.
Customer (serious): No, I’m pretty sure these are pork, because cows don’t have knuckles.
Me: (Speechless)
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Customer: I forgot it was taco Sunday.
Me: Do you want to get some tacos?
Customer: No, I just forgot.
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Me: Is this your first time in the store?
Customer: No, I was in her once, but I was scared off for a while.
Me: Oh?
Customer: Yah, I was scared off when I read about you in the New York Times.
Me: Why is that?
Customer: (Long pause)…Um…It’s complicated. (Walks out of store)
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There will be more posted in the future, barring me killing myself after the next stupid question.
To paraphrase an oldie but a goodie: "I have to deal with your stupidity for a few minutes, but you have to deal with it for the rest of your life!"
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
ten things not to do on vacation (all of which i've done on this vacation)
1.get sick
2.stay inside and watch tv
3.eat at mcdonalds
4.pine about going home
5.ignore the homeless
6.stare at the floor
7.incessantly text people you know from home
8.sleep in until noon
9.forget your camera
10.be apathetic and unenthused by sights and culture of your vacation destination
seattle: city of goodwill, more like city of good grief! am i right, folks? hello? is this thing on?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Read Between The Lines
The standard grief for the eternal loss,
The misconception that life is a gamble.
You will die.
Is that all you are afraid of?
Someone said, “There are fates worse than death.”
These fates are the torment of living with death as a shadow.
A. (dmission)
Propagate. Proliferate. Pursue happiness. Evolve. Move ahead. Climb the ladder. Use your time wisely. Co-ordinate. Prioritize. First things first. Be a family man. Time is money. Money is power. Take control of your life. Repeat as desired.
B. (elonging)
Find a mirror. Breathe. Look at yourself. Cry. Pluck your eyebrows. Define eternity. Take a trip in your mind. Comb your hair. Meet God. Use a straight razor. Start a trend, and abandon it before it becomes popular. Start rumors you know are true. Allow yourself to soak it all in.
C. (oherence)
Drink. Cohabitate. Copy. Erase. Acquire materials. Prepare. Don't drink. Build forts. Run in circles. Lick the bowl clean. Resurrect inanimate objects. Take a picture. It’ll last longer. Kill meaning. Pursue death, imprisonment, and depression. Have a cigarette.
D. (eath)
Imagine. Seek professional help. Refuse wisdom. Seek unprofessional help. Use your indoor voice. Use small words. Tolerate arrogance. Make acquaintances. Die alone.
E. (xistence)
Surrender. Take things into account. Manage people. Admonish everyone. Take a closer look. Clean house. Have a yard sale. Give back to God what you cannot give yourself. Eat fruit. Ask for directions. Get lost. Never look back. Look at your watch. Never look forward. Watch out for falling sky.
F. (utility)
Expand. Profit. Proselytize. Build a church with one stone. Congregate alone. Buy now. Save yourself later. Change. Lose everything. Try a new perspective. Lose nothing. Start a war.
G. (uilt)
Become willing. Do not use your will. Ask someone. Don't talk to strangers. Mother knows best. Take back control. Eat an animal. Use a fork. Don't play with your food. Commiserate with the unwanted. Reject everyone.
H. (appiness)
Visualize light. Walk in grace. Jog on asphalt. Sit in quiet. Pretend not to care. Fake it till you make it. Process life. Process emotions. Process calories. Burn fat. Burn bridges. Burn yourself. Call 911. Be precise. Do your best.
The misconception that life is a gamble.
You will die.
Is that all you are afraid of?
Someone said, “There are fates worse than death.”
These fates are the torment of living with death as a shadow.
A. (dmission)
Propagate. Proliferate. Pursue happiness. Evolve. Move ahead. Climb the ladder. Use your time wisely. Co-ordinate. Prioritize. First things first. Be a family man. Time is money. Money is power. Take control of your life. Repeat as desired.
B. (elonging)
Find a mirror. Breathe. Look at yourself. Cry. Pluck your eyebrows. Define eternity. Take a trip in your mind. Comb your hair. Meet God. Use a straight razor. Start a trend, and abandon it before it becomes popular. Start rumors you know are true. Allow yourself to soak it all in.
C. (oherence)
Drink. Cohabitate. Copy. Erase. Acquire materials. Prepare. Don't drink. Build forts. Run in circles. Lick the bowl clean. Resurrect inanimate objects. Take a picture. It’ll last longer. Kill meaning. Pursue death, imprisonment, and depression. Have a cigarette.
D. (eath)
Imagine. Seek professional help. Refuse wisdom. Seek unprofessional help. Use your indoor voice. Use small words. Tolerate arrogance. Make acquaintances. Die alone.
E. (xistence)
Surrender. Take things into account. Manage people. Admonish everyone. Take a closer look. Clean house. Have a yard sale. Give back to God what you cannot give yourself. Eat fruit. Ask for directions. Get lost. Never look back. Look at your watch. Never look forward. Watch out for falling sky.
F. (utility)
Expand. Profit. Proselytize. Build a church with one stone. Congregate alone. Buy now. Save yourself later. Change. Lose everything. Try a new perspective. Lose nothing. Start a war.
G. (uilt)
Become willing. Do not use your will. Ask someone. Don't talk to strangers. Mother knows best. Take back control. Eat an animal. Use a fork. Don't play with your food. Commiserate with the unwanted. Reject everyone.
H. (appiness)
Visualize light. Walk in grace. Jog on asphalt. Sit in quiet. Pretend not to care. Fake it till you make it. Process life. Process emotions. Process calories. Burn fat. Burn bridges. Burn yourself. Call 911. Be precise. Do your best.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Awesome Band Names (that are so awesome nobody would ever use them as band names)
-The Supple Do
-The Somehow Superiors
-Family Breakdown and The Retreat Strategy
-The Fine Swlu
-Mister Refrigerator
-White Chocolate Gelt (to all my Jewish friends, you know this is hilarious)
-Lesbian Touch
-Alcoholics Unanimous
-Rocket Surgery
-The Masked Guinea Pig and His Harem of Floosies
-Your Mom
-Cinnamon Synonym
-Merriam Webster and The Thesaurus
-Hurts Donut
-Jeanbenet Ramsey and The Pedos
-The Butt Plugs
-Psych Out (or Sike!)
- Major Bore and The Sergeants of Somber
-Tom Sellick is Foul
-The Somehow Superiors
-Family Breakdown and The Retreat Strategy
-The Fine Swlu
-Mister Refrigerator
-White Chocolate Gelt (to all my Jewish friends, you know this is hilarious)
-Lesbian Touch
-Alcoholics Unanimous
-Rocket Surgery
-The Masked Guinea Pig and His Harem of Floosies
-Your Mom
-Cinnamon Synonym
-Merriam Webster and The Thesaurus
-Hurts Donut
-Jeanbenet Ramsey and The Pedos
-The Butt Plugs
-Psych Out (or Sike!)
- Major Bore and The Sergeants of Somber
-Tom Sellick is Foul
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Questions I Once Wanted To Ask My Father (followed by the beginning of a song)
How are you doing?
How was jail?
What have you been doing since you got out?
Do you enjoy sitting around all the time?
What do you care about?
Why?
You’ve been a sentient being for 60 years now, what does this amount to?
Who are you?
What do you want to be?
Is this all there is for you?
Where the riverboat leads,
and the powerless give up,
And the refugee knows this is homecoming.
The ones bound to stay, and the people moving away.
Movement is a stones throwing.
Routes that are well traveled,
Grass trampled and earth down,
This is our meeting point.
This is our feeding ground.
How was jail?
What have you been doing since you got out?
Do you enjoy sitting around all the time?
What do you care about?
Why?
You’ve been a sentient being for 60 years now, what does this amount to?
Who are you?
What do you want to be?
Is this all there is for you?
Where the riverboat leads,
and the powerless give up,
And the refugee knows this is homecoming.
The ones bound to stay, and the people moving away.
Movement is a stones throwing.
Routes that are well traveled,
Grass trampled and earth down,
This is our meeting point.
This is our feeding ground.
An Oldie But A Goodie
A Writer's List
1) Pirates and monkeys are the best comedic tools available to a writer.
2) The rules of grammar, correct spelling, and punctuation are our best friends. Let's occasionally abuse them.
3) Every story has a beginning, middle, and end, every character a birth and death.
4) Know your characters almost as well as yourself. In other words, work on yourself.
5) Every character is as real as the author.
6) When in doubt*: laugh.
7) When inspired: create.
8) When your mind draws a blank, don’t try to remember.
9)
10) Subtleties are more interesting than extremes.
11) Words create realities, use responsibly.
12) Return to your two-year-old roots and ask ‘why’ about everything.
13) Buy an audio recorder. They remember what was said better than us.
14) Mommy loves you. If not, somebody does, even if you’re not aware.
!5)16 Don’t ever hate or destroy what you have made.
17) Think twice, but don’t think more than twice.
18) Routinely seek out pirates and monkeys.
19) Eat your greens and fruits (meat is ok too, if you like).
20) See the individual spokes. The faster a wheel goes, the less of the spokes you see, the more a wheel appears empty.
21) Have fun (easier said than done).
22) Sober or high: listening…anytime can be writing time. Don’t deny the opportunities!
23) Dictionaries exist for a reason.
24) If you write about someone, write lovingly, even if you hate them.
25) Writing does not exist on paper alone.
26) Find time to write everyday. Schedules are good, but who has time to make one?
27) Be succinct, and good luck.
28) Really..sincerely, good luck. If you can read and write, you have the power.
29) I lied. Sometimes are not writing times. Use writing times appropriately.
30) Stop ignoring (refer to #22).
31) Stop adhering to rules/Stop making lists/Stop writing.
32) Stop listening to me.
33) Three is the magic number.
33a) Pirate Monkeys.
*: anger, depression, frustration, in acknowledgement of the cosmic giggle.
1) Pirates and monkeys are the best comedic tools available to a writer.
2) The rules of grammar, correct spelling, and punctuation are our best friends. Let's occasionally abuse them.
3) Every story has a beginning, middle, and end, every character a birth and death.
4) Know your characters almost as well as yourself. In other words, work on yourself.
5) Every character is as real as the author.
6) When in doubt*: laugh.
7) When inspired: create.
8) When your mind draws a blank, don’t try to remember.
9)
10) Subtleties are more interesting than extremes.
11) Words create realities, use responsibly.
12) Return to your two-year-old roots and ask ‘why’ about everything.
13) Buy an audio recorder. They remember what was said better than us.
14) Mommy loves you. If not, somebody does, even if you’re not aware.
!5)16 Don’t ever hate or destroy what you have made.
17) Think twice, but don’t think more than twice.
18) Routinely seek out pirates and monkeys.
19) Eat your greens and fruits (meat is ok too, if you like).
20) See the individual spokes. The faster a wheel goes, the less of the spokes you see, the more a wheel appears empty.
21) Have fun (easier said than done).
22) Sober or high: listening…anytime can be writing time. Don’t deny the opportunities!
23) Dictionaries exist for a reason.
24) If you write about someone, write lovingly, even if you hate them.
25) Writing does not exist on paper alone.
26) Find time to write everyday. Schedules are good, but who has time to make one?
27) Be succinct, and good luck.
28) Really..sincerely, good luck. If you can read and write, you have the power.
29) I lied. Sometimes are not writing times. Use writing times appropriately.
30) Stop ignoring (refer to #22).
31) Stop adhering to rules/Stop making lists/Stop writing.
32) Stop listening to me.
33) Three is the magic number.
33a) Pirate Monkeys.
*: anger, depression, frustration, in acknowledgement of the cosmic giggle.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
A List of Heartbreak
Found this list that I made after breaking up with a woman who I loved, and also a woman who I loved to share lists with...
I’m sad, because:
- This is happening, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
- My ego is hurt when I realize that I’m not all the things you want in your life, and that I’m not the person you thought I was, and not the person you are looking for right now, or perhaps ever.
- I worry that as time passes we will talk less, and eventually lose touch with one another, and a thought of you will regress to “I wonder how that person is doing?” and no more than that.
- For the first time in my life I was willing to pursue a relationship, look at myself and make changes in my life for love; be vulnerable, and then am turned away from the first door into that world.
- I know that sooner or later you will meet or recognize someone else who is also smart, funny, handsome, fun, and who appreciates you as much as I do.
- Love, for the time being, has become an annoying housemate.
- Cakes will never taste as good as they used to.
- I’m not as stoked about mixtapes lately.
- The door to my room is empty now. It made me more depressed when it was full of your kind words.
I’m sort-of glad, because:
- Even though I didn’t ever get there, I know I possess the potential to enter into an intimate, honest, and caring relationship, someday.
- As sad as I am that I will not be around to witness it, I know you will continue to be an amazing, creative, lovely, passionate, and dynamic individual.
- Really, though, I’m just sad.
I’m sad, because:
- This is happening, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
- My ego is hurt when I realize that I’m not all the things you want in your life, and that I’m not the person you thought I was, and not the person you are looking for right now, or perhaps ever.
- I worry that as time passes we will talk less, and eventually lose touch with one another, and a thought of you will regress to “I wonder how that person is doing?” and no more than that.
- For the first time in my life I was willing to pursue a relationship, look at myself and make changes in my life for love; be vulnerable, and then am turned away from the first door into that world.
- I know that sooner or later you will meet or recognize someone else who is also smart, funny, handsome, fun, and who appreciates you as much as I do.
- Love, for the time being, has become an annoying housemate.
- Cakes will never taste as good as they used to.
- I’m not as stoked about mixtapes lately.
- The door to my room is empty now. It made me more depressed when it was full of your kind words.
I’m sort-of glad, because:
- Even though I didn’t ever get there, I know I possess the potential to enter into an intimate, honest, and caring relationship, someday.
- As sad as I am that I will not be around to witness it, I know you will continue to be an amazing, creative, lovely, passionate, and dynamic individual.
- Really, though, I’m just sad.
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